Liberate Sacred Bodies — Alice Cary

Are you unsure of yourself and can’t find your way out? You are not alone; I have been there too.

One month after obtaining my Master of Social Work degree, I decided to move from the Bay Area to San Diego, California. 

In hindsight, I was trying to outrun my deep dissatisfaction with myself and my body. I was excited and naïve. I believed this was my chance to start over; to recreate my identity. I quickly learned my external reality may have changed, but the hatred I felt for myself and my body quickly became unbearable. 

I decided to connect with a therapist to address my increase in mental health distress and imposter syndrome connected to my career as a social worker. At this point, I had no interest in becoming a therapist. Which feels laughable to me now. I can't picture myself doing anything else besides therapy and coaching. Sometimes it's only by looking back at the bread crumbs can we start to see the bigger picture. 

I went into social work to support folks, like me, who experienced all forms of abandonment, trauma, and substance abuse. At that time I believe I had overcome the trauma from my past. In spite of working with a therapist for over 4 years prior, attending the 12-step meetings, and having over 10 years of sobriety; I couldn't shake this discontent with my body and the behaviors associated with trying to manipulate the size and shape of it. 

Had I developed a new addiction? Had restricting become a new form of control?  Was I trying to control the way I felt on the inside by manipulating what I saw as disgusting on the outside? How would I even categorize or label these thoughts and behaviors? 

My therapist would later characterize my symptoms as an eating disorder. How did I not see it? I mean I had gone through graduate school studying various types of mental health disorders. 

I was obsessed with my weight, I had food rules that wouldn't allow me to eat on a regular basis, I participate in behaviors to eliminate the food I did eat, and I hated, I mean furiously hated my body. But I didn't look like someone with an eating disorder. That is what I told myself, what I heard from my medical doctors and even my friends. I'm not "underweight" and my BMI, per medical physicians, would characterize me as overweight. 

I would later come to understand marginalized populations who struggle with disordered eating/eating disorders are often underdiagnosed, if at all. We don't fit into the "standards" of what the medical field defines as someone with an eating disorder. This is often due to fatphobic ideologies, white supremacy, or colonization thinking. 

My road to recovery has not been an easy one. I saw my therapist and dietitian 1x/a week and worked with them for roughly 3 years. I eventually moved back to the Bay Area, relapsed worst than before, and went back to my therapist and dietitian. 

I had hit rock bottom. Until this point, I never really surrender to the reality that my behaviors and thought patterns were making my life unmanageable. 

The gift of desperation brought me back to my desire of living a full, embodied, aligned life. I tried to follow all the suggestions. Not perfectly, but I kept coming back to my WHY. 

I didn't want to be controlled by my addiction to thinness. I didn't want to think of myself as a number on the scale. I wanted to fall back in love with my body. Like when I was a kid. When I felt safe and happy in my own skin. 

I was beginning to understand, if I wanted to create and live my purpose I would have to include my body within that equation. Treating the behaviors associated with an eating disorder is one of the first steps back to whole being wellness. 

Learning to love and accept my body was the last step and most important in my recovery process. It's the reason I continue to treat her (my body) with the upmost respect and grace. Even though at times I feel the pressures from the outside world to view my body differently. My body DOES  have value regardless of her shape or size. 

Where am I today? 

I love my body. I mean I really, really love her! I bought her new clothes so she can feel more comfortable. I speak to her on a regular basis. I honor the wisdom held within her walls. I can get on a scale if requested in doctor's office, see the number and be unattached to whatever it says. Knowing that I am more than a number on a scale, I am an amazing human being who is in love with and grateful for my connection to my body. 

Without her, I would not be able to tap into the power of my ancestors, my heart space, regulatory systems, my spirit, and my deepest desires. To name a few of her skills. She's my tuning fork for my intuition and my connection to the divine presence in all things. She is what connects me to my clients and gives me insight regarding the best course of action. Some have even called me the Body Whisper. 

Yes, I have the knowledge to help folks come back to themselves and into their bodies, but I've also lived what I teach others to do. I know it's possible to recover because I have. I've lived it, gone through the depths of hell, and come back to share the wisdom of my experience and knowledge about body intelligence. 

I know the road to recovery is not always an easy one, but it's so worth it to take a chance. What if you could feel better than you ever imagine in your mind, spirit, and BODY?