My Past Does Not Dicate My Future — Ariana Monell
Some might say the odds were against me. Alcoholism and mental illness ran strong in our family, and I was no exception.
At eighteen years old, I had a fake ID and spent many nights at after-hours parties and I wouldn’t call it quits until the next morning when the sun came up. As I stumbled into a taxi, reeking of cigarettes and booze…nausea and anxiety would be the only two things fueling my body. I would drunkenly gaze out the window and watch the fancy professional men and women walking into their corporate jobs inside of the big skyscrapers towering the city. Looking at them with their expensive suits, power dresses and shiny briefcases; I felt so jealous.
I was under the belief that I was born "different" then they were.
I thought that those people were special and that in order to be successful like them, it meant being born into a wealthy family or knowing someone who could "get you in”. I made up that life wasn't fair and I was a victim of it. I hated myself and who I was.
At age 23, after a toxic relationship had just ended explosively, I moved to Miami with one of my best friends. I told myself Miami was going to be a fresh start but that’s actually when things got worse.
Cocaine became my drug of choice and I was practically eating the stuff for breakfast.
I worked in a restaurant and vividly remember taking so many trips upstairs to the employee bathroom in between taking care of my guests. I’d sit cross-legged on the floor (pause) and sniff cocaine off the back of my check presenter. My boyfriend at the time ended up catching on after a while and he actually told my mom. EVERYTHING, and then, he left me. And a few days later I got the unexpected news that the restaurant I worked at was going to be shutting down.
My parents lived in Arizona at the time and my mom convinced me to come home to her and “get my life back together”. I gave in. After I landed in the desert, my parents picked me up from the airport in their blue jeep and were excited to tell me they turned their office into my new room.
As we drove back, I saw a tumbleweed drift across the road. I related to that tumbleweed. I felt desolate, I lacked direction and my destination? Well, it was unknown. I secretly & quietly wept in the backseat all the way home.
In Arizona, I continued to give my heart and soul to the Hospitality Industry. I had an amazing work ethic and was always committed to being of service. However, from time to time I notice myself becoming increasingly frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed. I became anxious about my friends judging me. I worried that my co-workers would reject me. And as a result, I had trouble speaking up and couldn't assert myself. I procrastinated on paying my bills, cleaning my house, and texting people back and I distracted myself by mindlessly doom scrolling through social media.
And then, finally, I began to realize the reason I felt so burnt out and unmotivated. I had never taken the time to stop and think about the big picture and what I really wanted. I deeply yearned to live a fulfilling life.
It wasn’t long until I had found myself at yet again, another rock bottom, sobbing uncontrollably on my living room floor with angst in my heart and a bottle of Jack in my hand, I felt empty and numb inside. I was desperate for a way out. I knew I couldn’t live that way anymore. With my blurry tear-soaked eyes, I started searching YouTube for some kind of answers. I searched for “how to find happiness in sadness” and “how to get unstuck” I came across thought leaders like Gabriel Bernstein, Elkhart Tolle, Marie Forleo and Vishen Lakhiani…I couldn't stop listening…
I realized that my struggles and challenges weren’t unique and that I, too, could be fulfilled if I was brave enough to ask for help. I invested tens of thousands of dollars on transformational trainings, I went to personal growth and development events, workshops, conferences… I even became a network marketer.
Even so, my REAL healing journey began with my coach, Lorinda.
We worked on shifting my behaviors: with her, I began to start reading, eating better, moving my body, and even showering. And she also held me accountable for the addictive behaviors, too. By the end of our work together, she told me, “You know, this is something I think you could be really good at.” I laughed. “Sure, who the hell is gonna listen to me.” And then she said, “Oh no, your past is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s actually an asset that can allow you to help other people in the same situations.”
I left my last session with Lorinda on cloud 9. I was so scared, yet so excited. My whole life, I was anxious about what I would do or who I would be. But that day, I realized… this was it. As I stood in front of my sliding glass window, I felt goosebumps down my spine, and became overcome with joy.
I, too, could be a fancy professional woman in a power dress with a shiny briefcase. The painful parts of my past didn’t have to hinder me any longer. Instead, they became pillars of strength that could help me help others.